Alright, you guys. I have a very exciting guest poster today- Brandi from Dysfunctional Supermom. She cusses, she blogs drunk, and she loves Jesus and bacon. Sometimes together, sometimes not.
Make sure you head on over to Dysfunctional Supermom… or not, if you aren’t the f-bomb loving type. I’m sure she doesn’t care either way, which is why I love her caffeine dependent boo-tay.
So there you go. Consider yourself warned.
My Sister Slut asked me if I’d stop by and guest post and she seemed all surprised and shit when I said “Of-fucking-course!”
I love me some Carri. She’s adorable, funny, foul-in-all-the-right-places (unlike yours truly, who is just…foul): seriously, y’all…what’s not to love?
So, obviously I was thrilled to come over, ride her ponies, play with her cute little man cub, share the caffeine from her Coffee Slut mug and leave my mark, right?
Yeah. Sure. Of course. Mostly.
Okay, honestly…I’m going to just lay it all out here for you.
I’m tired y’all.
Let me tell you why. Ready? Are you sure? No, seriously…you might need a glass of wine or a Xanax or something.
I am a mother…
To a 14 year old son who lives with his father & who doesn’t speak to me but once a week by text message because he’s convinced that I’m a bad mother because I cuss and don’t go to church three times a week and because I’ve been divorced twice.
To a 12 year old son who is funny as hell but wears his heart on his sleeve and who also lives with his father, who I do speak to regularly and who does think I’m a good mother, but this leads to the “I want to come live with you, but I don’t want to leave Dad and hurt his feelings” conversation on a very regular basis. *sigh*
To a 7 year old daughter who is a food Nazi and a fucking drama queen & seriously, y’all if I had any damn sense, I’d have her happy ass in acting classes or be hookin’ her out to Disney or Nickelodeon so she could help me retire. Mommy likes shoes. I’m just saying.
To a 4 year old son who cusses like a forty year Navy veteran but is cuter than shit, so I let it slide because he really does want to do the right thing. But getting the kid to actually ask for chocolate milk instead of “fuck it milk” is a TASK…but damn it would be nice to be allowed back into church. Mommy likes free babysitting too!
What?! Don’t look at me like that.
I also have one ex-husband who I wish would drop dead from the weight of the fucking platinum halo he wears around daily (okay, okay…I don’t wish him dead…mostly) and another ex-husband who’s just a HUGE pain in my ass because I have to see him every single day and even though we’re still really good friends, he needs to find a girlfriend y’all because he’s getting on my last nerve!
I also have a fiancé. Yep. Because I’m also, apparently, a masochist.
Oh. And dogs. Two big ones that now live permanently in the garage because they are fucking retarded.
And I nanny for the spawn of Satan. Not an exaggeration.
I’m also heavily medicated daily for anxiety/depression and migraines. I may also be a drunk. That one’s still out for debate.
I am, however, a raging coffee slut.
In short…I am nothing more than one big red-headed ball of what the fuck.
P.S. I have big boobs. Don’t be a hater.