Friendship Lost

I had a dream last night that you called me.

And I was happy to hear from you. It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? We met at a coffee shop and your brother was there with his wife. They were excited to see me and we all hugged. I remember when they got married; now they have kids and careers and it just goes to show how life just clips along.

Especially since we haven’t talked in so long.

How have you been? Did you know I married Ken? Pretty crazy, isn’t it, since it seems like yesterday he and I started dating. If someone would have told me twelve years ago that you wouldn’t be in – or at – my wedding, I wouldn’t have believed them.

And now we have Blake. You probably freaked when you found that out. Me. Carri Larson. A Mommy. Who would have thought?

Do you ever wonder what I’m up to? I wonder about you. I’ve never wanted anything but the best for you, even when you kicked me while I was down. I thought I was a good friend to you. I thought I was loyal and that you were loyal to me, but I guess sometimes we don’t read people as well as we think we do. And sometimes, I wonder if cutting you from my life was the best decision, but I quickly erase those doubts from my head because I did what I did for a reason.

I was so tired of hurting.

I was so tired of watching you self destruct.

I was so tired of not being good enough for you.

Why was I not good enough for you?

Remember when we reconnected for just a brief time? You said you were sorry and I told you that I’d forgiven you years ago. It could have been a fresh start. It could have been like old times. Remember how I gave you my number? I must not be good enough still, even after all these years.

Because you never did call.